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At least I assumed that at first until I actually started exploring and the first thing I had to do was go through a portal into a little enclosed level to complete shooting challenges and traversal puzzles.

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I assumed they were toying with making a full on open world Mario, it being the only logical way to top Mario Odyssey short of giving him tits, but I guess it could have been leading to this, too. You remember that Bowser’s Fury open world thing Nintendo packed in when they rereleased Mario 3D World for the Switch, I remember thinking it had the stink of proof of concept about it. Is this all getting alarmingly nipple-focussed or am I projecting again? But a few levels and one familiar boss fight in, the game goes “Ha ha! You think we’re just going through the motions, don’t you? Well you know what else is a motion? Downwards!” And then the fucking floor collapses and we fall into a secret oceanic hubworld where we must explore a series of islands to get to the bottom of a sinister plan to take the world back from the cephalopods and return it to the mammals, asserting the superiority of furriness and lactation. No one thought to put a bike lock on the giant electric eel that powers the city so someone’s nicked it again and again the evil octopus gang seem to be behind it, we go through a few little enclosed levels to complete shooting challenges and traversal puzzles and rescue a little blob friend from a milking machine probably best not dwelled upon. At first it pulls a sneaky one by letting us think we’re doing more of the same shit from the Splatoon 2 campaign. And urinate colourfully on my shutter shades if they didn’t kinda do that. Let’s focus on the single player, where the obligation to give us something new actually lay.

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And I’m slightly annoyed that I had to use my Nintendo Online free trial to confirm all this.

Run around the place painting things and bullying twelve year olds and then win stroke lose based on factors you ultimately had very little control over in a startling metaphor for inner city middle school life. So I won’t waste much of your time talking about the multiplayer, you can watch my previous reviews for that. I mean we expect shit like this from EA Sports, they’re like a big fat elderly dog, it’s a good day if they’re pissing on their own face rather than the carpet, but Nintendo has a better rep than that. Well, don’t give yourself a hysterectomy pulling your wallet out too quick. Splatoon 2 being just Splatoon 1 but now not on the Wii U was probably justified for aforementioned shit and piss reasons, but Splatoon 3? Splatoon 2 again but still on the Switch, only now the number on the end looks a bit like a little bum on its side.

They’ve come up with, like, one new IP for every four consoles they’ve put out. The Wii and its motion controls, the Switch bridging the gap between consoles and handhelds, the Wii U bridging the gap between shit and piss, so it always strikes me as paradoxical that they keep churning out the same fucking games for them. Nintendo have always been the innovators when it comes to hardware. We have a merch store as well! Visit the store for brand new ZP merch. Want to watch Zero Punctuation ad-free? Sign-up for The Escapist + today and support your favorite content creators!

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This week in Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee reviews Splatoon 3 and Serial Cleaners.įor more major games Yahtz has reviewed lately, check out Metal: Hellsinger, Soul Hackers 2, The Mortuary Assistant, Saints Row, Stray, No Man’s Sky (in 2022), and Elden Ring.